A little about how I’m getting on with my first ‘proper design job’!

I thought all the tears and how low my self-esteem was getting would last forever. Just continuing forever on a downwards spiral.

I know now through a lot of self-discovery that could be down to being neurodivergent and how my behavioural patterns, perspective of the world and, ability to process emotions can differ from the ‘average’ neurotypical mind.

In particular, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) showed up a lot during my job hunting period. After 3 quite successful (not successful enough as I didn’t get the job) interviews I felt the problem must be me rather than the 101 other reasons why I might not be given a job.

Since working I’ve realised now there are plenty reasons why you may not get a job and it won’t be anything personal. One reason might be the company already have a candidate but need to advertise the job for legal reasons… it doesn’t sound great but it happens.

I wanted to tell you that if you also have ADHD, dealing with rejection will never get easier, no matter how small the impact is.

I think learning this about myself has been more freeing than wondering:

“what the f*ck is wrong with me?”

More about what’s driven me to write this blog post— I felt so down before I got this job and now that I’ve been at Gainsborough’s House for 5 months, I feel slightly refreshed.

This was the chance I needed. The one opportunity that I hope will set up the rest of my career. I’ve already achieved and learned so much. I am less isolated. I feel like a truly valued member of the team and, of course, ‘the team’ are all wonderful & kind people to work alongside!

If I’d listened to my partner’s advice to be patient and not let the bastards get me down— I would have saved myself a lot of hassle. The truth is though, in the moment, we don’t realise how much pressure and stress we are putting on ourselves. Especially when a year later, your life can be in a completely different place to where you expected.

As mentioned earlier, being neurodivergent has a drastic impact on a lot of how we see the world. This includes our sense of ‘object permanence’. Due to poor working memory, things that are not seen or heard nearly instantaneously become forgotten. This can be both a blessing and a curse. Along with this, I find that I will also not be able to imagine a moment different from the one I am in there and then.

For instance, when feeling intent sadness when going through a rough period or getting ill and taking longer than usual to recover— I begin to panic that '“I’ll be stuck like this forever!”

Now put that into context of finishing your degree during COVID, searching for jobs for 2 years and not being able to get a job despite interviews & working tirelessly to land your first ever ‘proper design job’.

Had I had even the slightest bit of patience I’d realise it would ‘all have been worth it’. Maybe in spite of it all and not because of it though, eh?

I hope you enjoyed the read.
Catch y’all in another life.

Lex 💚